I wrestled with writing this piece. I did not want for it to come off condemning or add any shame for the husbands involved. But the day I let the wives know of this piece I wanted to write, and what I wanted them to share, the response was overwhelming.

Notification after notification rang loudly through my phone, and as I read each answer that came in my heart broke. I saw myself in each one of their shattered words. I felt their brokenness. I felt their hopelessness.

After a few days I noticed something that I had not expected. The same women that had been so transparent in sharing their hurt, anger, and broken hearts had somehow found healing their very own words and the words of their fellow sisters. 

At that moment I felt peace with doing this letter. I am thankful for each and every one of those women. They are strong. They are beautiful. They are courageous.

Ladies, thank you so much for taking part in this and sharing your beautiful hearts with the world. 

Men, please listen to our hearts. This letter is not meant to tear you down or condemn you. Instead, our hope is that you will open your heart and receive every word. When you stood before God and vowed to be one with this woman, she took on this struggle with you. Every choice you make as Leader of your home not only affects you, but those around you —especially your wife. More importantly, know that even through all the hurt you have a strong woman of God that stands by you warring over your soul. Even when you have hurt her in the worst way, she loves you with all of her heart. 

[Editor's Note: This open letter to our husband collected many responses from wives and we are keeping them anonymous by keeping their names out for their protection and that of their husbands.]


* * * * *
My Dearest Husband,

I know we have had this discussion before, and I want you to know that I love you very much, but sometimes it is so hard because of your struggle with Pornography. When you watch porn it makes me feel. . .

WIFE 1: "I feel inferior as a woman, like I'm not good enough to satisfy you, like your love for me is not enough to respect me and not do such things. It makes me feel less of a desirable woman and more of a burden that gets in the way of what you really want!!!!"


WIFE 2: "Ugly. This body that's born 2 children can't compare to perky breasts, flat stomachs and perfect hips. Not a blemish on them. It makes me not even want to look at myself much less undress in front of you. I can't beat perfection."


WIFE 3: "Let me start by saying that I love you. I love being your wife and I have no intention of leaving you. With that said.. you should know that your killing me. No not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I've been really trying to forgive you for all the pain you have brought me, but as soon as I think I can.. I get so angry. Angry that you have this addiction, angry that you have lied to me, angry that you look at other women, angry that you pretend nothing is wrong, angry that you hurt me, angry that you have no control..

Just the thought of you looking at other women ... ugh I want to punch you in the junk as hard as I can! I might be in the wrong frame of mind here.. but I'm just so so angry with you. I have no reason to forgive you anytime soon. Will I ever trust you again..??"


WIFE 4: "I feel betrayed and heartbroken, like I'm not enough for you. I know you love me but when you watch pornography, I feel doubt in my heart. When you watch pornography I feel like some one kicked me in my stomach then stabbed me in the heart. I'm afraid it will turn into something more. I never feel like I'm beautiful to you. And it's one of the worst feelings for me. I'm too flawed in my eyes because you turn to that."


WIFE 5: "I feel sick and sick to my stomach. I feel turned off. I feel like you are driving a wedge between our marriage. The only thing between us in marriage should be God. I feel...like leaving you."


WIFE 6: "I feel betrayed. It feels like cheating, but I don't even have the opportunity to confront you or the woman you're cheating with."


WIFE 7: "I feel like leaving you."


WIFE 8: "Worthless. Like everything I have done for you, for our relationship, for our family means absolutely nothing to you. On top of all that, I feel disgusting. I know I am not perfect, but your porn use makes me hate myself even more than you. Every time that I have found your porn, because you have NEVER come clean to me, I am certain that that is the time that I will leave you."


WIFE 9: "I feel like the vows you said mean nothing to you. I feel like the salvation of your soul means nothing to you. I feel sick. I feel betrayed. I feel like I could never be naked in front of you again because you'll compare me to some airbrushed and unattainable standard. I feel like I'll never be good enough again. I feel so bad about myself... Like I'm not good enough. I feel as if I have to lie for you and plaster a fake smile on, because to whom can I turn to talk to about this?? Nobody... Everyone would judge us as a couple if they knew what you've done."


WIFE 10: "I feel worthless and not beautiful."


WIFE 11: "I feel like I'm not enough... I'm not a good enough wife to meet your needs. I'm not enough to fulfill your desires. It wasn't enough that I fulfilled your dream of being a Daddy. I'm not pretty/sexy enough or you wouldn't want to look at other naked women. It leaves me feeling useless."


WIFE 12: "When you watch pornography I feel so incredibly small. Like my feelings do not matter, like I am not worthy of your desire. I feel like what I can offer you as a REAL woman is not enough for you because I am flawed. I don't make enough money to have a personal trainer, a personal chef, or someone following me around in a real life Photoshop to make me look flawless and blur out the blemishes and cut and paste curves in all the right places. Your actions break my heart because you have allowed this to infiltrate our marriage bed. A bed that is supposed to bring us together as one and yet we are divided. Your addiction has turned me into an obsessive woman who always feels like I have to sleep with one eye opened because this situation has made me so sick in my head that I feel like I can almost control it as long as I don't leave you alone. As long as I am always watching and checking up on you. But the devastating fact of the matter is this disease.. this addiction.. does not care who is watching. It does not care how many sleepless nights it has caused me. It does not lose sleep over my heartbreak, my tears or the mental and physical pain I am now in. When you watch pornography it makes me isolate myself because I am too embarrassed and ashamed to reach out to people because that would be admitting that my love and my beauty.. were not enough for the man I love and vowed to stay with through sickness and health."


WIFE 13: "I feel so sad for you. You and I have overcome so many obstacles, especially our sobriety. The new life we have together is amazing, however, when you watch porn, I can feel our marriage slipping back down into the rabbit hole. I wonder how you can tell me you love me and sneak off to look at porn, then lie about it. Sometimes you almost make me believe your lies, then I remember what we went through while you were still drinking, every word out of your mouth was a lie, there is no way I can go back to that. I feel so alone, empty and less than. I can't compete with the make believe women you like to watch, I can't stand to have you touch me, I cringe when you even want to hold my hand. I can't bear to have you see my naked body, the body I used to love, that breaks my heart."


WIFE 14: "At times I felt hurt, confused, doubtful, ugly, and unwanted. At first I just sat and dwelled on it, allowing my thoughts to ponder....This is my fault, he must think I'm ugly, I'm too fat, unattractive, not satisfying him. All lies the enemy wanted me to believe. I started going to the Lord in prayer respectfully telling him my hurts my pain, how I felt and that it was hard to trust him in my marriage, I begin opening myself up for the Lord to give me daily examination, checking my motivates and intentions (a lot was reveled in me) (Wow) I was willing for him to give me what i needed to get through this. This lifted so many daily burdens, and shifted my focus on my own relationship with Christ. The Lord reminded me of his Promises, his Holy Spirit, his Word and his Guidance. He comforted me with his peace, and strength. He begin to connect my husband and I on a more spiritual level. My husband would talk to me about his struggles, and i would talk to him about mine, the hurt and what the Lord was doing. We would pray with and for one another. (Growth together) I now just feel the urgency to pray, and allow the Lord to work in my heart and mind so that I can be used to build up and encourage my husband when he deals with lust issues, and not just focus on myself. ( not easy) but its worth it especially when you see your husband taking the necessary steps, praying, being honest about his struggles, going to his accountability partners for help, small groups, ever accountable app in his phone ..etc. Prayer, and faith, walking it out. Yes it still hurts at times, but I don't allow the thoughts to manifest in my mind keeping me in a dark place causing me to respond in ways that are unpleasing to the Lord. Sneaking, hiding, checking his phone, his Facebook, listening to his conversations, and allowing my frustrations and emotions get the best of me was all wrong and I felt like it was not a way to respond. Now that it's all out in the open it's more easy to confront and pray about and talk about in love building one another up. I'm being strengthened everyday, its a day by day process for both my hubby and myself. It Keeps me trusting, believing, having faith, and doing what's right as a wife, and Child of Christ. I'm thankful God is big enough to handle all things. Exchanging my hurt for his strength and Grace!"


These are only some of the responses. Wives were able to post their responses on our closed God Over Porn Wives Support Group on Facebook, through email, and private messages to me. Unfortunately, some messages were not able to be published due to the content and hurt behind it. As mentioned before, this letter is not meant to cause the husbands shame, condemnation, or guilt. But it is to be an eye opener. God gave you a wife. The Bible tells us that, a man who finds a wife finds what is good [a treasure]  and obtains favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22). The NET Bible version is a great translation; The one who finds a wife finds what is enjoyable, and receives a pleasurable gift from the LORD. -- The only woman that you should find enjoyment in is your wife. Your favor. God's pleasurable gift to YOU!

If you are a wife or know a wife whose husband is addicted to Pornography. .  you are not alone. Our community of wives. . sisters is a community that supports, encourages, uplifts, and provides hope by reminding each other of God's promises. You can request to join our Wives Support group by clicking here. We also have a group on GroupMe for daily encouragement. You can join that group here. 

To my sweet wives: Thank you for your transparency. You are stronger than you think. You are loved and accepted. Your worth and your value is not found in your husband, but in Jesus Christ alone. The hurt and the pain that you feel is not for you, but for the women coming after you. Continue to seek God and cover your husbands. Love them even when it is hard. Extend grace daily. Build them up and pour into their lives. When you feel you have nothing left to pour run to Jesus. Your husband won't heal your heart. Jesus will. God's word tells us that, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). 

Remember, that your husband is broken and in need of the grace and mercy of Christ just like you.

Do not give up.

Fight the good fight!